Our culture insists on gender uniformity and does not acknowledge any neutral variations - only value judgements such as "sins" and "illnesses". This smug gender totalitarianism does hidden violence to dissidents and "perverts". It distorts our self-images, ambitions and dreams. We think we are alone, crazy, or ridiculous. Our desire learns to curb itself, and we come to depend on the strength of self-repression for our safety. We live in fear of being known, and such fear stifles the wish before the image of what is wished for can be fully formed. We think we are ugly before we even see ourselves, and the injustice of this, this falsehood, chokes me.
Adapted from "Macho Sluts" by Pat Califia
I think I need to examine my issues around the idea of getting plastic surgery.
Am I doing it because I don't pass to myself, or because I don't think I pass to other people? Or both? When certain people notice me on the street, is it because they think I'm a pretty boy, an ugly girl, a pretty girl, or something they can't quite figure out or have never seen before? Do I automatically assume the worst? Clearly I must acknowledge that I already pass to some certain percentage of people. But clearly it's not enough. How much more is enough? Where do I want the needle to be? 100%? Is the goal to go stealth? Isn't that another closet? If somehow I passed today, right now, in the eyes of everyone, but looking exactly the way I do now, would I still be getting surgery?
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3 comments:
Patrick Califia is my therapist.
Pass? I could never pass as a genetic girl. I don't have a girls body (see here: http://fauxwhore.blogspot.com/2009/04/this-is-not-happy-post.html ) I don't even try to pass.
? The post you reference doesn't mention anything about your body.
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