Saturday, March 28, 2009

The Most Beautiful Girl in the World

Posted by Pamela at 12:25 AM 1 comments
Reading Jamielin's blog has me reaching for the past.
Was I really 9 years old when I first saw this episode on TV??
Hulu says "Original Air Date: 1/08/1983". 26 years ago?! - egads.
This TV episode, and others like it, left a lasting impression on me. I remember most of it like I just saw it yesterday (all except the forgettable cave scene at the beginning).
I couldn't put it into words yet, but even at that young age, I knew what I wished I could do... to dress up like that and cross the room to the other side of the punch table... with the girls.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

New Patterns?

Posted by Pamela at 12:59 AM 3 comments
I felt like masturbating last night.

And I realize it's the first time I've had that urge in days, possibly a week or more. That's a big change for me. It used to be twice a day, at the bare minimum. It was really getting in the way of living life, and I don't miss it.
And possibly I only felt like doing it last night because I took a painkiller earlier in the evening to relieve muscle pain and my body felt all relaxed.
In any case, this is a much more manageable level of desire.

Here's another thing that's different - I had to set the mood first. Turn the lights down, get all relaxed, make my environment nice and comfortable. Before, none of that mattered. When I had to do it, I had to do it.

A third thing that was different last night? The kind of stuff that made me feel all squirmy.
I found myself drawn to doing a search for "sexy male torso" on Flickr:






Yum. And yeah, I was picturing myself as that girl in the last pic.

Please discuss.

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

A New Dawn (Or, What a Difference Hormones Make)

Posted by Pamela at 8:51 AM 4 comments

A message from the other side of the prison walls:
Fellow bloggers... TVFA and others, I feel for you. I know the constant pounding sexual need... the wasted energy resisting it... the sense of failure and shame when you give in to it for hours or even days on end, to the exclusion of everything else... and how the feelings twist in on themselves so that even the failure and shame become sexualized.
And now I know what's kept this engine running -
Testosterone.
It's hard to see it when you're in it, or rather when it's in you. But when you take away the testosterone, it's amazing how much clarity you get.
How much time you have on your hands.
How you can finally exhale and relax.
Blessed relief.
My body is still pumping it out. And I can feel that it's still lurking there under the surface - chemically suppressed - waiting to spring forth again if I miss my proper dosages of blockers.
My fear is that something will force me to stop. And I'll be back where I was.
A prisoner again.
But now, I am free.
Free from solitary sexual compulsion & everything that springs forth from it.
And I will fight for that freedom.

Athena - the warrior goddess

Estrogen is another matter entirely.
I love it. I wish I could get even more in me without it chemically converting into testosterone.
Now, I feel a sense of connection to feminine power that's coming from within... rather than imported from without when I was just crossdressing.
I feel the intangible, divine feminine in my body and in my mind.
A stronger awareness of emotions, empathy, intuition. A feeling of being "in" my whole body, not just some parts of it.
I cherish and guard this just as fiercely as I do the freedom from testosterone.

It feels as if I've stepped out of the dark and into the light.
My sexuality feels so much less complicated. The fetishes are gone, and as a woman the fantasies finally make sense.
I'm certainly not chaste. But I'm far from being chronic now.

So for now, I leave you with this thought - a metaphor for what I've experienced from the injection needle:

As you roll over & thrust your hardness
into the long tunnel of my wanting,
seeding it with dreams & unbearable hope,
making memories of the future,
straightening out my crooked past,
teaching me to live in the present present tense.

-Erica Jong
 

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