A Mixed Day

Dear diary,

Today was certainly the definition of a mixed day, emotionally.
It was the first warm day of the year here, and this morning I wore a knee length skirt to work, with bare legs. I know it doesn't sound like much, but since my transition, I generally dress very conservatively, and I'm not use to showing any amount of skin except my forearms. So it was outside my usual comfort zone, and I felt exposed all day.

Add to that the fact that my transition has been so strange. Thanks to a great deal of hormones and expert surgery, I 'pass' perfectly to most of humanity. But because I was at my current job for years and years before I transitioned, the change is still 'new' for some of my co-workers. Sometimes some of them still slip up by accident and use my old name, even though I now look nothing like my old self. Which sends me into a spiral of depression, anger, and sadness. It makes me feel like they don't see the 'me' that's standing before them, and that they think of the 'old' me as the real me. It's extremely emotionally difficult to deal with. My old name feels like a straight jacket that was holding me back from expressing my true self.
It's especially frustrating because I'm increasingly stealth in the rest of my life - to random strangers on the street, to new friends I meet, even one of my new roommates doesn't know about my history. But the situation at work, where I spend 40 hours of my week, makes me question and doubt myself - do I really still look like a man? Can everybody tell?
But no, they can't. Because away from work, very few people 'clock' me - maybe 1 in 100. And if anything, it's usually my voice that gives me away first, not my looks.

After work, I met my spouse and her longtime friend (a guy) at a rooftop lounge for drinks. They had each already had a couple of drinks by the time I arrived. We all ended up opening up to each other over the course of the night. Perhaps a little too much by the end. My spouse and I talked about our relationship and our love for each other. But we also ended up revealing my relationship with David (my secondary who lives on the opposite coast and visits here about once a month), and how it made me feel so much more confident in my womanhood to be with a man. My spouse ended up sitting in her friend's lap, then making out with him, then he made out with me. I'm sure we were quite a sight at the restaurant.
He flattered me by telling me he wouldn't have known I was trans if he didn't know me. And he said that when I first stepped off the elevator, he was checking out the 'hot chick' for a second before he realized it was me. He wanted to make out with me hardcore, and told me I was beautiful woman, period.
We ended up at a dive bar across the street, where my spouse and I each made out with him a little more, and he made a rain check to come over to our house some time.
So, the tally for today... flattering physical carnal attention from a guy, a shower of compliments from my spouse, but before that, frustration at work. Do they really still see me as a guy? Why do some of the guys call me 'buddy', or women say 'he, I mean she", or others use my old name by accident? These are the sorts of vaguely inappropriate comments I deal with still on a regular basis - nothing intentional, but just enough to bring me down. It's hard to deal with. Is it their discomfort in recognizing my change, or is it just that old habit die hard, or am I just not trying hard enough to pass as far as my voice and presentation? I think I blame myself too easily, even though I know I'm trying nearly as hard as I possibly can, and most people away from work have no idea I'm even trans. Whatever the explanation, it makes me desperate to get another job and go stealth there. But will that really make me happier? Will I face different challenges - a whispering campaign of 'is she or isn't she' by those with their suspicions? Or a constant guardedness when talking about myself and my past?
I don't know. But I guess I'll never know what it's like elsewhere unless I try. A wise older person once told me that it's better to regret the things you did, than the things you didn't do.