All Hers

Black Sissy is really pushing my buttons, in an interesting way. Her recent comments are causing me to think more deeply about my sexuality, how it's changed, and how my physical & sexual interactions with both men and women may be different, now that I'm on hormones.
My sexual fantasies now include a healthy dose of thoughts about being touched, held, and the warmth of bodies - which for me is a new focus. I also find I'm more attracted to romantic scenarios - for example, when two people are reunited after being apart, or acts of kindness.
As I mentioned previously, I'm now about 50/50 attracted to men and women. My sexual feelings for women, including transsexual women, are about the same as they ever were - a mix of physical attraction, emotional attraction, and envy. I've talked about it enough in this blog that I don't think there's much need to rehash. My feelings for men used to be just general avoidance, punctuated by occasional sexual encounters, which I think were also subconscious efforts to assert my femininity. But for the first time, I have actual fantasies about men - I imagine a firm touch by large hands, being held against a large strong chest, giving satisfaction through a langorous blowjob, being on top with a theoretical vagina.

As black sissy says,

"Hormones do have their effect. They change the chemistry of the brain.
When i'm with my boyfriend i enjoy the pleasures of the sexuals acts we share. However i also love the part before and after where we cuddle and he holds me. I love to suggle up against him in the night. On the long winter nights i especially enjoy being close to him and feeling the warmth of his body.
I didn't have those feelings before hormones even though i liked guys. And when he's away i really miss him."

The fact that she had these sorts of feelings for a man came to mind last night as I tried masturbating. After skipping around, I landed on Iowa Beverly's All Hers blog.
What she's writing about is arousing and terrifying at the same time.
I have no idea how much of the blog is fact v. fiction, but she appears to be a submissive crossdresser who has been roleplaying for a while as her wife's maid. Beverly's most recent posts are about the aftermath of a relationship-changing New Year's Eve trip to Florida. In summary, she and her wife both took on male lovers. What especially struck me is how Beverly described her feelings about her date in "romantic", and not just sexual, terms. That's the part I found arousing. Since then, her wife has been treating her more as a girlfriend than a spouse, and they're not having sex anymore. Where will all this lead?? That's the part I found terrifying.
Beverly discovered to her shock that her inner sense of herself had changed enough that she suddenly found herself attracted to a man... at the same time her spouse was taking on a lover.
For me, that opened old wounds. It reminded me too much of a situation I was in years ago, when I began gender transitioning. My significant other and I were having unrelated relationship problems, and she took on a male lover. Even though we had an open relationship, it hurt. We didn't communicate well about it. And I wasn't ready for it in the context of my gender transition. I wasn't sure if he saw me as a man, a woman, or something in between, and I wasn't sure which was more painful, more insulting, more offensive. I felt like a nebulous, confused freak who was being judged and compared to a "real man". He made suggestions to her about whether I would feel better about their relationship if he had sex with me too. Yuck.
I'm still sorting out this last part, so I don't know what my point is yet. Just some stuff I've been thinking about.